I've not blogged for a few days, its not been the best few days. First of all had a run in with my dad, he doesn't understand anxiety, he's very much from a generation of 'just pull yourself together'. He was offended that i had posted his fathers day card rather than take it round. So this lead to a day of crying, i couldn't shake off feeling hurt that he seems to make no attempt to understand that I can't just leave the house at the drop of a hat, and i try not to make arrangements to see people because the pressure to be somewhere at a set time makes me anxious then i end up letting people down.
So 2 days after the nasty emails from my dad i was starting to forget what had happened and i'd decided i was going to make a dentist appointment, i'd been putting it off for a while because i need 2 fillings and a tooth out and i'm worried i'll panic when i'm in the dentist chair. So i ring the dentist which in itself is a big thing for me to do, to be told by some super snotty receptionist that my dentist has decided she doesn't want to see me again because i have cancelled my last 4 appointments. Then when i tried to explain to the receptionist that this is because i suffer badly with anxiety she said i was rude and didn't want to speak to me any longer and hung up. So this felt like another kick in the ribs, and resulted in another afternoon / evening of crying.
Anxious Annie just loves when i'm stressed out, she rears her ugly head when i'm really stressed and feeling low. Last night i remember waking up in a complete panic and i have no idea why, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and i was shaking. I've felt really obsessed about my heart lately, and i convince myself any time that i am on my own then i will have a heart attack, so i can't be on my own, i can't remember the last time i went anywhere completely on my own. I panic at the thought of being on my own, and i am going to sound so selfish but if i could have my other half home with me all the time i would because then i feel safe. I'd love it if we could all stay at home all the time, i have my food shopping delivered and do all my shopping online so i don't have to leave the house.
I ordered yet another self help book last week, so i'm going to start reading it and hope that it gives me some inspiration. I'm considering another trip to my gp so they can sound really fed up of me and write me out another prescription for citalopram. Maybe this time i need to start taking it though, its been nearly 4 years and i'm so fed up of feeling like this. I feel like i'm just floating through life, i'm not really living and i almost feel like i'm on another planet.
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